Nothing But Trouble (1991)

Nothing But Trouble is nothing but a load of fecal matter.

That's not an exaggeration. This review will save your life. Well, 94 minutes of it, at least. People often ask me “What’s the worst movie ever made?” Since 1991, the answer has been clear. Nothing But Trouble, and whatever might be in second place is so far away that it doesn’t matter.

The danger here is that you might take a look at the cast of this movie and initially consider watching it. John Candy, Dan Ackroyd, Chevy Chase, Demi Moore. It’s a veritable Caddyshack, right? Dan Ackroyd wrote the screenplay. He also wrote Ghostbusters, Spies Like Us, The Blues Brothers, and a ton of great material for Saturday Night Live back in the day. These are huge pluses for a movie. What could possibly go wrong?

What went wrong can only be attributed to a massive intake of drugs by everyone associated with this  abomination. Never has there been a plot so stupid and so poorly executed. Stop thinking about Plan 9 From Outer Space. This is so much worse. Plan 9 was an Ed Wood movie. It was designed for badness. How bad would a movie have to be to make this much talent come up with such a terrible product? Think about it.

The “plot” (if we can call it that) is essentially about some travelers (Chase, Moore, and some not famous people) journeying to Atlantic City. In cliché fashion, they take a detour and wind up lost. They arrive in the town of Valkenvania, which is home to an insane judge (Ackroyd) and his family (Candy and Ackroyd). Oh, the hi jinks that ensue as our protagonists try to escape, including Chase and Candy getting married, Moore being accosted by two over-sized deformed babies, and an appearance by Humpty and Digital Underground. Don’t be fooled. Even Digital Underground isn’t enough to save this film. All of this is done without a single moment of discernible humor. Please know that this is not hyperbole. Whether it’s the death sentence to be delivered by Mr. Bonestripper or John Candy leering in drag, there are no laughs here, so don’t bother looking.

This is normally the part of the review where I look for specific items that Catholics can take away from a movie. If there’s anything like that in Nothing But Trouble, it would be that this movie confirms the existence of an evil that seeks to corrupt and destroy good things. Likewise, I could go into some detail about the offensive parts of the movie, but that would be a waste of time. The movie itself is per se offensive by its very existence alone.

Some of you will read this review and be tempted to watch this monstrosity. I’m begging you not to. I’ve dedicated a good twenty years or so trying to save people from such a horrible fate. Some things can’t be unseen, folks. This is one of them. Just remember the next time that you’re engaged in a conversation and someone brings up the topic of worst movie ever. Be secure in your knowledge of which movie it is and rejoice that you haven’t seen it. 

Zero papal tiaras and a flaming cow fart if we’re still handing those out.